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Have A Laugh On Us
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
A little boy who was tired of going to Sunday school each Sunday asked his father, "Did you go to Sunday school every week when you were little?" "I sure did, son," his father replied. "I'll bet it won't do me any good, either," the boy said.
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
A preacher once preached about the dangers of drinking beer and he showed the congregation a clear glass with a piece of liver inside and poured beer inside and let them watch what would happen to your liver if you drank. There was a little drunk in the very last bench that stood up and said, "Oh my, I'll never eat liver again.”
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." --Henny Youngman
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." ---Clement Freud
If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise!"---A Congressman's response about his attitude toward whiskey.
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
“Do you believe in life after death?”, the boss asked one of his employees. “Yes, sir,” replied the employee gleefully. “Well, then, that make everything just fine,” the boss went on; after you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you!”.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King of Beers,' a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?" The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, "I'm going to become a hooker. I can make $400 for what I give you for free." "I'm coming with you," the man replies. "I want to see you live on $800 a year."
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?" The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead." Shaking his head, he continued, "I just can't take that chance.
A college education rarely hurts a man if he is willing to learn after he graduates.
Nothing confuses a man more than driving behind a woman who does everything right.
"I've been seeing spots in front of my eyes."
"Have you seen a doctor?"
"Nope, just spots."
Three little boys were bragging about their fathers. One little boy said my dSad owns a farm. Another little boy said my daddy owns a mansion. Not to be outdone, the third little boy says my daddy owns Hell--Grandma said Mommy gave it to him last night.
Some cause happiness everywhere they go; others, when they go.
If a man is bald in front, he is a thinker. If he is bald in back, he is a lover. If he is bald in front and back, he thinks he is a lover.
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